and over on my other blog…

so my last post was a long time ago, and so much has happened since then. Actually a few days later I ended up in hospital for over a week due to the headache (that I still have over 8 months later).

Long story short, they couldn’t find anything ‘wrong’ with me after 2 CT scans, an MRI, numerous blood tests and most horrifically, a lumbar puncture. The hospital stay was horrifying in so many ways because of the environment — hospital and it’s associated noises, lights and movement are NOT the best place for someone with a migraine to be, especially long term. I quite seriously doubted my sanity at numerous points along the way, the morphine probably wasn’t helping this (and no, the morphine wasn’t helping the pain either!). This stay meant that I missed out on finishing my old job, and the start of my new one. They put me on REALLY strong pain meds (Panadine Forte, Endone and Oxycontin) which only worked some of the time ,and a receptor blocker that they give to Parkinsons sufferers (which takes 6 weeks to work — and even then it still didn’t work).

After months of pain, and no resolution I ended up just having to put on my big girl panties and weaned myself of the pain meds. They weren’t really helping enough to make a difference, and I just know that you shouldn’t be on those kinds of addictive medications for a long time. So since then I have good days and not so good days and try as best as I can to get on with my life living with chronic and debilitating pain. Some days I make it out of bed, others I just physically can’t.

Throughout all of this, so many other things have happened, including losing beloved mother-in-law to cancer, and also losing my job, a job I thought I would be doing for the rest of most of my working life. Both were incredibly stressful occurrences, and now my husband’s family are threatening to make us sell our house so they can have their full inheritance when my MIL’s house is sold. It’s a long story, but 7 years ago we took over her mortgage, and in return, used the equity in her house to buy ours with no mortgage insurance. Even after all the work I did getting her house on the market, her into high level care… twice, and all even thought I’m not technically her daughter and she has 8 OTHER children apart from my husband… yep, families can suck big time.

So now I’m back to getting my health back on track. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, and I’m using the 4-hour-body to do it. I have time in my day to make good, healthy food, instead of commuting to the cbd and back taking 3 hours a day. My first goal is to lose 15kg by my birthday in July so I can finally go for my skydiving, which I was supposed to do 5 years ago for my 30th!

I’ll also have more time for my blogs!!

d xx

long way to go!!

long way to go!!

my gorgeous MIL RIP

my gorgeous MIL RIP

life has been tough

again, it’s been a while. This won’t be a long post, as I’m not well, but have been trying to get here to post for months.

Life has been up and down since the last time I was here. At the moment, it’s down 😦 I’ve had a migraine for 4 weeks. Yes, 4 weeks, 3 days and 4 hours. I was doing so well, losing weight (over 6kg!), working hard, planning and purchasing a new kitchen… then BOOOOM! I’ve seen so many doctors and had heaps of tests… They can’t find anything wrong with me. I’ve spent a small fortune on acupuncture, cupping, osteopath, kinesiology, neurologists and pain medications (of which only take the pain from 9 to 4). It’s been a long 4 weeks, and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

The diet first…. Tim Ferriss’ 4-hour body has literally changed my life for the main reason… that it WORKS! Is it easy? No. Is it tough to stay on track? Yes. Do I want to fall off the wagon almost every day? Yes. Was I sticking to it? YES!! WHY? Because it was working!!! It’s the first real time that I’ve lost weight – significant numbers that was sustainable for the first time in FOUR YEARS! I discovered that the secret is being organised. If I have food there that is already prepared and ready to go, I am 98% more likely to eat that than some other crap.

Gym: In March I hurt my shoulder doing a side plank, and that took me out of the gym for 3 weeks. I was slowly working my way back up to the weights I was doing with the Tim Ferriss & Kiwi Workouts… and again, it was working. I haven’t been to the gym since this migraine started… afraid I will ‘pop’ something as the pulsation of pain is in time with my pulse.

EMOTIONAL: I’ve had a pretty hard time emotionally recently. There’s been so much going on in the past 3 months that I don’t even know where to start. My heart has been shattered, slaughtered, punched, stabbed and so many other things I can’t describe. I’m not currently speaking to my mother, as she did something horrible and I needed time away from contact with her. On the flip side, my MIL has been so, so ill, and we nearly lost her a couple of times in the past few months & it’s been such an emotional time with her. My work (old and new) has been a roller coaster of drama, aggression, betrayal, opportunities and (about to be) new beginnings. I also had a horrible week or so in there of the full moon & some of the worst PMT of my life on top of 3 different situations of high and traumatic emotions. Not fun.  About the only thing going right is my amazingly wonderful and supportive husband. He has been my rock, support, sounding board, tear drier and the one who has put me back together after some of the most horrible few months of my life.

I went to some professional counselling the other day to try and get some of this stuff off my chest, and they suggested I write a journal or blog… but it has to be one that no one else reads, so I’ll probably be writing on that one for a while.

There’s so much more that I need and want to say, but my head is back to pounding at level 9 pain again, so I’m going to sign off. Time for more pain meds 😦



The moon goddess can be a bitch!

Well I didn’t post after my weigh in as i was really disappointed… I only dropped 0.1kg… BUT I did drop 3cm off my waist. My period arrived on weigh in day (of course!) so I’m pretty sure that that didn’t help either. I still did my workouts on Tuesday & Friday (kiwi’s A & B with abdominal extras) even though I was in a world of horrible cramp pain. I have also struggled with mild depression this past week. I say mild as I know that there is a lot worse out there, but i still felt like absolute shite, & felt a constant battle with the fuzzy blackness trying to engulf me.
Just as I felt that starting to lift on the weekend, it came back.. but was different. I just looked it up, and sure enough, it’s a full moon tomorrow. It doesn’t happen every month, but I sometimes go a little crazy on the full moon… The strength varies & this is by no means the worst that i’ve had, but the past 4 days have not been a picnic.
I also had a big stand off with my mother last week (just what I needed when feeling hormonal & drained) and i was so proud of myself for really standing up to her (for a change) and she completely dismissed my return barb. Now i remember why I don’t bother, & just let it go 90% of the time… It’s just not worth it, it just makes me upset. I think it would be ok if I had just 1 thing to deal with, but it’s been one thing after another for the past 10 days. My MIL alao stayed with us on the weekend, and it was lovely to see her but I didn’t have the time to sit & chat & catch up with her like I really wanted & needed too (in a nurture way).
On a great note, I remeasured myself last night (but not weighed) and i’d lost another 4cm on my waist!!! OMG!! Looks like the Tim Ferriss / Kiwi workout are making a difference! First time any weight has shifted in the down direction from my waist since getting sick 3 years ago!! Go me!!!
Anyhoo, my train stop is here…
Be back soon!
D 🙂

Post 1 – Something you hate about yourself

hmmm, this changes day by day, depending on the PCOS hormones!

I think there are 2 categories, physical and personality.

Hate is a very strong word… I don’t like it… so I’m going to use ‘don’t like’ instead! – [my blog – my prerogative’]

Generally I don’t hate myself…  generally!

However, here are a few things I don’t like about myself.

  • excess weight – especially around the tummy area – I’ve always carried a little weight in this area, but when I got quite sick 3 years ago  I stacked on 30 kilos in 18 months, and no one could tell me why! It went on everywhere, but mainly my tummy area. I hate being asked ‘when are you due’ 😦 It’s embarrassing, and hurtful.
  • my large chest (boobs). They have given me terrible back pain over the years, and as soon as I have had kids, I am having a reduction and a lift. I have had several medical people advise a reduction before kids, but I’ve stuck it out this long so I might as well wait! I have regular treatment for chronic neck, back and hip pain for about 20 years. I dont’ know what it feels like not to be in pain 😦
  • inability to stick to diets – I have great motivation to start, not much to keep it going. I love my comfort foods, and as soon as I hit my cycle or have an emotional upheaval, I turn to the wrong foods. I am getting better at managing this though!
  • I wear my heart on my sleeve. More about this will come out in other posts, but I’ve learnt the hard way about friendships and people. I’ve been hurt badly by a lot of friends in the past, and still haven’t quite figured out if people just suck in general, or my expectations are unrealistic. I’ve had my heart broken countless times, and as I’ve moved around so much I have to leave friends behing and make new ones. The problem is that I expect the same level of treatment and trust from others that I give. I am not always the best friend – I learnt some harsh lessons – but I’d like to think for the most part I’m an ok friend. I will pretty much to anything for anybody, but fuck me over, and I retaliate, as any Cancerian with a bloody big claw out the front would. I turn into uber bitch, and it takes me a while to lick my wounds and regroup. I am a sensitive soul on the inside (which is not always portrayed to the outside) and I do hurt really easily. My ‘outer-shell’ has hardened over the years, and I have more acquaintances rather than besties these days. My really close friends, I can count on 1 hand. Even then, I think I may be in the process of losing one… and I’ve no idea what I’ve done wrong 😦
  • I bite people’s heads off [not literally] when I’m wearing my cranky pants. I have some of my dad in me (obviously) and he has a very, very short fuse, coupled with a vile temper. He has mellowed as he gets older, but I find myself snappy when I have PMS, or are pushed into a corner.

That list is enough for now.


‘the 30 posts of truth’ list



I got this list from a friend, and I enjoyed reading her posts, and learnt a lot about her of the time that we have been apart, and some of her feelings of the time we when we were close friends. Some of her posts were easier to read than others, but it got me thinking that even after all the counselling I have had over the years that perhaps this will also help me on my journey. As there are very few readers of this blog, I hope that this will allow me to be honest.

I don’t think I will do this as a post per day, but I hope to gradually work my way through the list…

I am going to do them as ‘posts’ rather than days, as I know I won’t be able to keep it up everyday…

…so here goes!


I found this on a blog I regularly read:


by dragonray


and she got it from: halfway between the gutter


Who, it turns out got it from  who got it from someone else with a private blog.

‘the 30 days of truth’ list


Day 01  – Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02  – Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 – Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 – Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 – Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 – Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 – Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 – Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 – Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 – Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 – Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 – Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 – A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 – A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 – Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 – Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17- A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 – Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 – What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 – Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 – (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 – Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 – Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 – Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 – The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 – Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 – Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 – A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

weigh in tomorrow…

Well my weigh in with the dietitian is tomorrow… normally I am apprehensive and nervous about this, but today I am [almost] looking forward to it Strange but true.

I know that I have done better than average with my food, and I have done pretty well with my workouts too. Yesterday I put my hands on my waist while discussing kitchen designs with my hubby… and it felt like it was a bit smaller — my waist that is! So after my weigh in tomorrow night I am also going to do another measurement too.

I will be disappointed if I haven’t lost weight, but I know that I have worked hard, and I hope that it has paid off.

That said, I cooked a roast last night! So who knows!

Fingers crossed, and I will report back tomorrow….


4-week trial of 4-hr body!

My gym buddy & I are giving the ‘Kiwi’ workout plus a few extras from the Tim Ferriss book (see last post) a go for 4 weeks. We are on the train on the way to the gym to start… We have had a few false starts in weeks previous in that we have only made it one of the days to workout. This has been good in a way as we have done both the workouts (A) & (B) at least once, plus the kettlebell swings, myotopic (sp?) crunch & the ‘cat vomit’ exercises more than once. So hopefully we have the technique down right, and can now start fresh on our 4 week trial.
Although the workouts don’t look like much on paper, and in reality only take 30 mins to do, i was sweating up a storm on Thursday!! I’m not generally a ‘sweater’ (sorry to get graphic!) but on Thursday I was literally dripping from my face onto my towel on the mat! I love that it’s not cardio – I frigging hate cardio!!! The kettlebell swings get your breath up, but as you only do x25 swings x2 reps it’s not bad at all… I feel it more after the hard work is all done – yay!
I’ve also been reading his book which is fascinating! I would like to give the diet part a go – as he talks a lot about insulin control in the bloodstream etc but am going to finish this SCWLC first and see where i am at after doing just the exercises first. He really is a crazy mo-fo!!
Foodwise i have been going super well during the week & then caving on the weekends.. Why oh why can’t I just do what I need to on the weekends? I know what i need to do, & how to do it… But i always fail 😦
I am really enjoying using it keeps me in check – and i did fill it out on the weekend, even though i hadn’t done great.
TF talks about ‘tracking’ he says it doesn’t matter what you track, so long as you keep a record. You have a much higher chance of losing weight if you track something (calories, TI – total inches lost, distance you run, anything).
Anyhoo, off to the gym for me…
PS. Typing like this on my iPhone sux!